I'M BACK!

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Hey, guys! I'm finally here! Haha, sorry for not updating anything for a long time. A year or maybe more, huh? You know, when you don't have that motivation to write. Actually, I have a lot to share with you guys, but the motivation is not there. Yeah, I don't know what happened to me. There's so much going on and this blog is abandoned. Pity blog. So, now I try to get back to writing with my stories and whatnot. Okay?

So, how's life been treating me? Quite okay, I guess. There's always ups and downs. There's always dramas (lol). But, Alhamdulillah, I'm good. I still have two more semesters before graduating. Another year to go! I'm just gonna create more memories with my friends and classmates before we graduate. Hoping for less dramas and bullshits, yea. Lol. What do people call it? Seize the day? Yup, I'm just gonna seize the day. :D

Racun.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.



Racun. Itu kau.
Setiap langkah, gerak-gerimu membunuh setiap bakteria baik dalam imunku.
Tapi, kau juga penawar.
Penawar segala racun yang kau sebarkan.
Kelakuanmu membingungkan.
Jujur saja, mahumu apa?
Mengapa harus diracun seluruh penawar itu?
Racun yang telah mematikan aku dan lantaran itu
aku terlantar bersama mesin masa.

Mesin masa kau matikan. Kau renggut kepalanya.
Membiar garis masa terhenti. Mati.
Mati, terhenti bersama degup jantung yang masih ingin
bernafas sambil menghela namamu.

Hospital.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

"I'm sorry I can't be like other boyfriends who brought flowers to their girlfriends to the hospital."

That's what he said when I was admitted to the hospital, recently.

Honestly, I don't need flowers or chocolates. I just need you by my side. And yes, you did. You were there. From the moment I was rushed to the hospital with ambulance, you were there. No one there, but you.

I still remember, you left the hospital at 9.30pm on the first night and you came again the next afternoon. You gonna be there at 12pm sharp, everyday. And I remember, I'm gonna counting until 12pm.

And I still remember, you spent the night at the hospital, accompanied me. You didn't get your bath or even changed your clothes. You didn't even take your rest or your beauty sleep just to ensure I was okay during the blood transfusion.

At 4am, I was awake. Saw you still there, smiled to me.

Having you is more than enough. I don't need flowers. I don't need chocolates. What you've done to me was priceless, precious. You worth more than those flowers and chocolates.

Thank you for taking good care of me when I was sick. Thanks for always be there for me. Only He knows how grateful I am to have you. I always pray that you are the one, and I don't want to lose you.

I love you.

Quilled.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

[2/19, 11:35 PM]: I just sent him off to his place. He's not feeling well. And I know there's something bothering him, which I don't even know what is it. Gosh, I miss him already. How I wish I can be by his side right now. Watching over him. So that I can get him everything he needs. He refused to get any meds and isotonic drink. I'm worried. Haih. Get well soon my dear. It breaks my heart to see you like that.

[2/20, 1:55 AM]: I wish I know what's bothering you. So that I can help you to at least, ease your burden. Please, let me be your ears, let me be your crying shoulder. Please. It hurts me to see you in pain or even in any kinds of unpleasant feelings. I miss your smile, I miss your laughter. Smile, smile.

[2/20, 4:55 PM]: He was okay this morning. I got to see him; smiling and laughing. We even had lunch together. But then, he suddenly creep into silence. I'm not sure whether he's not feeling good or he's just sleepy. Seeing him like that, it worries me a lot. It's been few days he's acting like that. I don't know whether he's just tired and doesn't want to talk to anybody or it's me who loves to over think. I wish I know why. I wish. I wish I could dive into his heart and find the answers. So that, he doesn't have to tell me, because I know he's not good with words.

Him.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

When it all started? To be honest, I don’t even know when I started to like him. I started a routine; go through his social medias; everyday. But, after that one fine night, I’ve knocked my sense, I like him. Damn it. I’m sure with myself, I like him.

It's time for our semester break. We sent him off to the airport. I can feel my heart was blue as he went off to the boarding gate. I can still see him waving, smiling from the gate. I almost shed a tear. And I realized, he took my ring with him.

He took my ring with him back to Kuala Lumpur. It’s like he's already took half of me with him. 

Three months. I wondered if he would like me the same. I wondered if he would notice me. But, I keep denying because I don’t want any false hopes. He met many girls at his workplace and bragged them every time in our group. It broke me every time, as I read them and I chose to be a silent reader. The dream gonna stay as a dream. Knowing it is impossible.

Day by day, I tried to keep him away from my mind. Got to know to someone new. I thought I was doing fine, but I failed. I came back here and I realized the feelings still lingered.

I don’t know how we became closer, day by day. Seeing each other every day. Texting and talking. And I realized that I get attached to him. I'm happy  whenever I'm with him.

I remember the night when he finally confessed to me. That was a night to remember. I didn’t expect it at all. I thought it was joke, but it turned out to be real. But somehow, I’m glad and grateful because He heard me. Finally, the dream came true. Even though, it's not yet complete, but its half way there. I cried out of happiness.

He spoiled me. Too much. Being a girl who always with mood swing, he's always there, listen to me, and comfort me.

He rang me up in the morning, one day because I need to attend a meeting with the President and I only had two hours of sleep. He rang me every ten minutes just to make sure if I already up.

Orange ice-cream. The day when I almost give up and tired. I said I wanted an orange ice-cream. He drove to almost every stores, but there's no orange ice-cream. But, he’s there. Still there. Patiently handled the moody me with his care and love. I was acting up, and crying.

Lord Almighty, it's him. It's him that I always pray and hope for. Please, let him be the one for me.

Women.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

"Kenapa perempuan tak boleh garang?" 

"Women's role as Guardian of Society. Kita mengharapkan perempuan yang lemah lembut, sopan santun. So that kaum lelaki ada tempat untuk bermanja, untuk hilangkan stress stress mereka. Untuk menjadi bahagia. Sebab tu la perempuan ni mengagumkan. Mereka memberi kebahagiaan tanpa mereka sedari."

"Garang diluar lembut di dalam. Marah marah sayang."

"Garang kami pada yang tertentu tapi sopan santun kami sentiasa. Ada masa dan orang tertentu."

"Hm so garang yang comel ke? Haha. I don't know girls. So tell me about girls."

"Girls are complicated. Sometimes we confused with ourselves."

"I know girls are complicated. Semua orang tau. Hahaha. Dan, semua orang comel. Tapi semua orang beza kecomelan dia. Faham tak? Comel or cantik tu tak kisah which one. But yang paling penting is that aku happy dengan dia. Muka yang cantik tak menjanjikan hubungan yang bahagia. Kejujuran tu yang penting. Dari kejujuran datangnya kasih sayang. Dari kasih sayang datangnya bahagia. Itu barulah cinta."

"Yes, sebab tu I don't do relationship. Based on observations semua, rasa macam leceh betul bila in a relationship ni. So for now kalau jodoh tu sampai nak ketuk pintu hati ni, ketuklah. Ketuklah asal jangan bagi harapan palsu main knock knock who's there. Yea, harapan palsu berada di mana mana. Tapi, jangan jadi orang yang memberi harapan palsu tu."

"Tapi kan, orang selalu salah anggap. Orang selalu salah sangka. Aku yang jadi mangsa."

"Kenapa orang salah sangka? Kena tengok jugak cara kita layan orang tu macam mana. Tapi, tak dinafikan pun perempuan memang mudah jatuh hati or perasan bila ada orang care pasal dia. Dan bukan salah kau kalau kau memang takde cakap pasal benda-benda yang boleh bagi harapan dekat dia. Perempuan tu yang salah faham."

Ya, benar. Perempuan sememangnya mudah tersentuh. Cepat perasan. Cepat jatuh sayang. Itu lumrah mereka. Lelaki hanya berbuat baik. He's just being nice. He just wanna make you happy. Sebab itu salah satu lumrah lelaki.

Life & Love.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Is it wrong to have feeling towards someone? Is it a crime?
It's a yes kalau orang tu dah berpunya, dan kalau perasaan tu nafsu. Zina hati. You gotta know how to differentiate between love and lust.

Kalau pure and tak berpunya?
Mana tahu pure? Sebab biasa kalau cinta pandang pertama atau cinta dalam masa sebulan dua tu lust. You gotta know the person to really love them.

Feelings is what makes a human, human.
Usually it's either lust, or loneliness. Love isn't easy to come by. But, mostly loneliness.

Love doesn't work like, I knew you for months or less and I think I really knew you.
Don't fall in love when you are lonely. Fall when you are ready.

How to differentiate Love and Loneliness?

Macam mana kau tau kau really love that person?

Loneliness tu bila kau cari je sesiapa. Kau tak kisah asal ada teman.
Love tu bila kau dah fixed memang nak sorang aje.
Bila lonely ni kau jadi possesive, obsessive, negative.
Bila love kau tolerate, patience, positive.

What if you were lonely, then a person came. Is that love right there?
No.

Setakat masalah cinta bodoh tak bawak mati lah. Cinta Allah SWT dulu, cinta parents dulu, cinta diri sendiri dulu. Come on la. Kita bukan budak form 2 nak buat cerita give up nak mati, give up nak bunuh diri. This is not Wechat. Kau suka orang tu, kau nak try dia, try. Mintak pendapat. Bukan sikit-sikit nak mati, sikit-sikit menyusahkan orang. Kalau rasa tak akan dapat, mintak pendapat cara nak move on.

Mati kerana benda dan rasa yang tak pasti adalah benda yang paling bodoh yg dibuat manusia.
Jika mati kerana cinta, apa yang kita dapat in the end. Give up bukan jalan dia. Senang sangat nak give up.

"Cinta akan datang jika tepat masa, ketika, keadaan, dan SIAPA."
– Tentang Cinta. Pahrol Mohd. Juoi.

"Kita tidak boleh mengubah sesuatu yang kita lihat, tetapi kita boleh mengubah diri kita yang melihatnya. Jika tak dapat apa yang kita suka, maka langkah terbaik ialah sukalah apa yang kita dapat. Itulah syukur namanya!"
– Tentang Cinta. Pahrol Mohd. Juoi

"Di dalam dunia penuh dugaan kita tidak boleh punyai hati yang rapuh. Di dalam kehidupan di mana ramai sekali manusia suka bercakap ikut sedap mulut, kita tidak seharusnya terluka dengan kata-kata."
-Pahrol Mohd. Juoi